Jokes

[DerekW]

Hi all,

Forgive me if I'm boring you, but this is the anything goes chat section.

My daughter seems to be in a work-related email ring that swaps jokes. She has included me in her ring, you have already seen one of her offerings.

Here is her latest:

It appears to be a photograph of an official document from the Mozambique Ministry of Fish and Wildlife, I've tried to copy it but failed. It reads:

"Province of Inhambane
Ministry of Fish and Wildlife
Mozambique

Warning

Due to the rising frequency of human-lion encounters, the Ministry Fish and Wildlife, Inhambane Branch, Mozambique is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and any motorcyclists that use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the bush.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any lions that may be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry "Pepper Spray" with him or her in case of an encounter with a lion.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference between lion cub shit and big lion shit. Lion cub shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and dassie fur. Big lion shit has bells in it and smells of pepper."

Well I thought it was funny!





[SIZE=7][B]

This post has been edited by DerekW on August 05, 2008 05:45 pm

[Andmcit]

Made me have a good chuckle! Keep'em coming.

Andrew

[terry g]

i enjoied that

[hawend]

I enjoyed the joke in the film "Capricorn One". Man phones his brother who is on holiday: "Your cat has died ..."
Brother says: "My god, thats terrible. But thats no way to break such bad news: you should say your cat was on the roof chasing squirrels, fell off, got badly injured, the vet tried everything but it was no use, the cat passed over. By the way, how is the rest of the family?"
"Well, your mother was on the roof chasing squirrels ..."

[DerekW]

Thanks hawend, I had a guffaw at that.

This post has been edited by DerekW on August 10, 2008 04:45 pm

[hawend]

The Crocodile and the Old Lady.
Man walks into a bar in Glasgow with a live 10-foot crocodile under his arm and orders himself a pint. Barman says:"You cant bring that beast in here." Man says: "But its very tame - look, Ill show you" at which point he whips out his penis, sticks it between the crocs jaws and then proceeds to hit the croc repeatedly on the head with a hammer. Man withdraws his penis and says:"Look, not a scratch. Ill give ten pounds to anyone here who will do the same". Silence - then a little old lady at the back of the bar slowly raises her hand and says: "Ill do it - if you promise not to hit me on the head with that hammer..."

Ive got lots more!

[demag]

Two aerials met on a roof and got married.

The wedding wasn't up to much but the reception was brilliant!

Ok, think about it.

[Peter.N.]

I would like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my gandad, not kicking and screaming like his passengers.

[DerekW]

Another one from my daughter's ring.

A flat chested young lady goes to her doctor to see if anything can be done to improve her embenponte. Dr Smith examines her and tells her to recite every day "Scoobie dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies".

She does and it works and she needs a D cup.

One day she's on a bus and realises she hasn't made the magic incantation. Fearful that her gains will disappear if she doesn't she quietly recites "Scoobie dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies".

A young man sitting next to her asks "Are you one of Dr Smith's patients?". She said she was and asked how he knew. Leaning closer he whispered "Hickory Dickory Dock .......".

What sort of daughter sends something like that to her old man?

Derek

[DJGLW]

"What sort of daughter sends something like that to her old man?"

A confident one!

[bobtee]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU'RE NOT BLOND ARE YOU?



1) Two Blondes With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

2) Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

3) A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants.

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3, 000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise.

So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

4) A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail
pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and
asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman
had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

5) A blonde was shopping at Tesco and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the till to ask what it was.

The checkout said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow!', said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied..... ...'Two Ice lollies and some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

6) A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.

He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com
Version: 8.0.138 / Virus Database: 270.6.0/1602 - Release Date: 8/9/2008 1:22 PM

[DerekW]

Sorry it's a bit late, but this was the original picture I was trying to copy:




If at first you don't suceed, give up before you make a fool of yourself.

Derek

Added on 3 Sept. Many a true word's spoken in jest! I didn't realise that the image is tied to "Photobucket" and that if you subsequently delete it from there, it disappears from here as well.

This post has been edited by DerekW on September 03, 2008 02:52 pm

[DerekW]

A burglar broke into a house and shone his flashlight around looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player and a voice came from the darkness saying "Jesus is watching you!".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued his search, just as he pulled a stereo out he heard "Jesus is watching you!".

Thoroughly freaked out he shone his torch around, there in a corner of the room his beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep" said the parrot, then squawked "I'm only trying to warn you that he's watching you."

The burglar relaxed, "Warn me, huh? who in the world are you to warn me?"

"Moses" said the bird

"Moses?" the burglar laughed, "what kind of idiot would name a bird Moses?"

The sort that would name a rottweiler Jesus".

[DerekW]

This was referenced on another French car site:

http://www.mez.co.uk/haynes.html

It certainly rings lots of bells for me!

Derek

This post has been edited by DerekW on December 02, 2008 08:37 pm

[Henry]

Apparently al qaeda have put bombs into tins of Alphabet Spaghetti and if they all go off it could spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R

Sorry!