Jokes

[mackay1]

Derek,

The Haynes / Lucas pages on mez are brilliant - thanks.

(I particularly liked the 1482 amp replacement fuse (slow blow)!)

Cheers

Roy

[mackay1]

One of Billy Connolly's best:

Two guys out on a wildlife safari - photographing a pride of lions.

Tucked away behind a log & out of sight.

Suddenly they realise one of the lions has crept up on them and is crouching in the long grass no more than 30 feet away.

The first guy starts to panic.

The second guy calmly slips his camera into his backpack and pulls out a pair of Nike running shoes.

His mate says "You'll never out-run a lion in those."

Second guy replies "Who cares about the lion - as long as I out-run you."

[minijet]

A woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask His help In reviving her Husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh doctor, it was awful, just terrible!".

"Really, What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate!
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"So what's the problem?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex wasn't good"?

"Oh, no doctor, the sex was wonderful!
It was the best sex I've had in 25 years!".

"The problem is, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

[peterh]

A man and woman in their thirties visited a doctor. They were both quite attractive. The man was someone the doctor knew vaguely from the golf club they both frequented.

They had a somewhat, erm, unusual question.

"Doc, we want to make love, but we're wondering if we're doing it right."
"So... what seems to be the problem?"
"Well, we think there may not be any problem - it's just that we're a bit nervous and insecure about it."
"So, could you describe what it is that happens in the bedroom?"
"Well, not really, doc - we don't really know how to describe it. Couldn't we just demonstrate?"

The doctor is a bit puzzled, but complies. He invites the man and woman into the exam room, where they make passionate love, apparently to the satisfaction of both parties involved.

When they had caught their breath, the doctor informed them that he didn't see anything wrong or unusual in their erotic encounter. He did leave them with some suggestions pertaining to variations that they might want to try. And a bill, which the man paid up-front with his credit card.

Two weeks later, the same couple showed up. They told that they had been following up on the doc's suggestions, and they wondered if the good doctor would like to evaluate whether or not they got his point.

Another, this time even more steamy, demonstration of their newly found erotic abilities ensued. It was apparent that the two had grasped precisely what the doctor had suggested, and also that it had suitably added to the enjoyment for both parties involved (and also a bit to the enjoyment of the doctor, but that is, scientifically as well as medically, irrelevant at this stage). After a suitable recovery period, the doctor advised the couple accordingly, and provided a few slightly more risqué hints to enable them to further explore their passions.
And again, he also produced a bill, this time with a three-figure amount, to reflect the unusual duration of the consult. Again, without hesitation, the man grabbed his credit card and paid.
Needless to say, this leaves the good doctor puzzled. When he comes home, he pours himself a stiff drink.
When, later that night, he joins his wife in the master bedroom, she cannot help but wonder where all that friskiness comes from, but she complies happily.

Next Saturday, the doctor sees the man on the driving practice range.
His curiosity gets the better of him.
He steps up to him and says "Come on already... the pair of you seem to be doing perfectly well. What makes you so insecure to have to consult me?"

The man looks around nervously. On seeing nobody else within earshot, he whispers "Doc... we're both married - but not to each other. This is the only way we get to make love..."

[ThwartedEfforts]

A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local leaning up against a gate with a dog by his side. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: That's a nice looking dog, sir. Mind if I speak to him?
Welshman (looking nervous): Well, you can try.
Ventriloquist: Hi dog, how's it going?
Dog: I'm doing okay thanks.

The Welshman is shocked.

Ventriloquist (pointing): Is this man your owner?
Dog: Yes, yes he is.
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Dog: Fine. He walks me twice a day, feeds me nice food, and takes me down to the lake once a week to play. On cold evenings I get to lie in front of the fire in the pub.

The Welshman can't quite believe his ears.

Ventriloquist: Would you mind if I talked to your horse?
Welshman: Well, I guess...
Ventriloquist: Hi horse, how's it going?
Horse: Great!

The Welshman's mouth hangs open.

Ventriloquist: Is this man your owner?
Horse: Sure is.
Ventriloquist: And how does he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

The Welshman is now completely amazed.

Ventriloquist: Can I talk to your sheep?
Welshman: The sheep's a bloody liar.

[dean]

Two married men are out drinking,
1st man says, "i can never sneak back into the house when ive been out drinking, no matter how careful i am the wife always wakes up and yells at me for staying out late".
His friend reply's "do what i do, screech onto the drive, slam the door, storm up the stairs, jump into bed, slap her arse and say how about it luv?............... she never wake's up.

[demag]

This is not a joke but a true story and happened only last week. It's hilarious.

Andy, a lad who works with my son couldn't sleep one night a couple of weeks ago so went downstairs and had a cuppa. He turned the light out and lay down on the sofa and promptly fell asleep. A few hours later a noise woke him up and he noticed the shadow of someone in his conservatory. Realising he was being burgled he jumped up yelling and shouting but couldn't open the door to the conservatory as it was locked. With all the din the burglar legged it and the whole house was awakened. He rang the police and they issued a crime number.

After that he set the alarm every night for downstairs zones only, and sure enough last week the alarm went off in the middle of the night. Andy jumped out of bed and raced down the stairs shouting to his son Tom they'd got another burglar and to come and help him. When he got to the kitchen he was amazed to find Tom cowering in the corner, "I only wanted a glass of water dad" he said.

[fatherjack2002]

Yesterday i was in the kitchen chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper, i later realised i'd been dicing with death

Paul.....................................

[minijet]

As we're on the subect of cooking.........

did you know OXO have introduced a new hyena flavour cube....................it's a laughing stock

[peterh]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and, irritated, Santa stomped to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[DerekW]

[dean]

wooosh exellent Derek

D

[dean]

3 blonds are out walking in the woods when they stumble upon some tracks, "they look like badger tracks" said the first blond. "no" says the second blond "they look like deer tracks", "I don't think so" said the third girl, "they look like fox tracks to me".
Sadly, whilst they were stood there arguing, all three blonds where killed by a train...............................................


D

[Andmcit]

Off the net...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Three cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other two were drunks. She soon decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. So one day, the widow told him, “You’ve done a really good job. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. He returned at around 2:30AM. Upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine. She quietly called him over to her: “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. “Now take off my bra.” She then looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!”


The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.” The motorcycle genius thought about it for a minute. “I want to hang out with God,” he said. St. Peter took the inventor to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized the Harley inventor and commented, “Okay, so you’re the one who invented Harley motorcycles, eh?! But what’s the big deal about inventing something pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?!” The Harley inventor was embarrassed. “Excuse me but aren’t you the inventor of woman?” the inventor asked. God said, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” said the inventor, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And, finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous!” “Hmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God. God went to his supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper. God read the output. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed. But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”



Andrew

[mackay1]

Hi,

Two workmen tidying up after spending the day installing bollards to prevent visitors from parking on the pavement.





Oops - slight lack of forward planning.


Cheers

Roy

This post has been edited by mackay1 on March 20, 2009 07:04 pm